We went to the doctor today for my 36 week check-up and my first exam in awhile. Dr. Barron said I was 40% effaced and Judah is still measuring pretty close to normal.
As I was driving to work after the appointment, my mind was racing. I still just cannot believe I am here. Not here at my desk at work but in the home stretch of this pregnancy. I wonder if it will really hit me when I see him for the first time - if that is when it will all actually feel real. I don't know if I am being this way just because we thought we might not ever get pregnant. All the meetings with doctors, fertility tests, blood draws, the bad news about the blocked and damaged tubes, constant peeing in cups, ovulation kits, the negative pregnancy tests, the struggle with the truth that getting pregnant might not be in God's plan for us, the 12 pregnancy announcements at life group by couples that we love dearly as I sat there and tried not to bust out crying - that hurt is a part of me and just didn't magically go away when we found out we were pregnant. Another couple in our life group announced last night that they were pregnant and for a second that feeling of hurt and disappointment showed up and I thought, "Wait a minute, idiot, you are nine months pregnant!" Get a grip, Shea.
I am still trying to process this whole sequence of events and grappling with what it all means. How does all we have gone through affect us now? I know that I have been changed by this whole experience but I am not sure how. And on top of all this is the fact that I am euphoric over the fact that, God willing, it won't be much longer till I see my son. He will be here in the flesh. My head is spinning!
I apologize now for the nonsensicalness of this post and for the fact that you now know how crazy a place my head is. Hopefully in the next couple of days I will post more pics from baby showers and of JM's most recent race.